The Beginning
by melody-of-rain
Summary: Hanged, strangled, bleeded to death, decapitated, slashed, asphyxiated, smashed... I used each one of these variations and I never felt bad about it. On his first mission, Saix gets advice from Xigbar. Saix centric. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: We, Knuuwlbroetchen & Just-my-delusion (aka -points at author name-), do not own Kingdom Hearts. Never did, never will. Not even in the far, _far _away future. It all belongs to Square Enix.

Except for the Fic's storyline, for that belongs entirely to us.

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The Beginning

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"Do you think you can steal someone's heart not feeling remorse?"_

"I do not feel remorse..."

_"Do you think you can alienate children from their families not feeling pity?"_

"I do not have pity..."

_"Do you think you can exist in this see of blood without the fear of drowning?"_

"I do not feel fear..."

_"Do you think you can spread the coldness within you?"_

"I do not feel coldness..."

_"Do you think you can do all that without any emotion?"_

"I do not have emotions..."

_"Do you think your heart can take these backstrokes?"_

"I do not have a heart..."

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With this dialog I sealed the fate of so many Humans and myself. 

Hanged, strangled, bleed to death, decapitated, slashed, asphyxiated, smashed...

I used each one of these variations and I never felt bad about it.

How could I?

Without a heart, one can not feel any emotions - at times I'm really glad about it...

I clearly remember my very first mission, especially the incoming talk which strengthened my resolve in becoming in the position I am now in.

Xaldin, Xigbar and I were ordered to find a world faced with ruin.

_"It does not matter if you kill them or the heartless."_

Hearing this order from Xemnas, I willingly obeyed.

The World was disturbingly peaceful. Wherever one looked there was peace and harmony spread all over the place. Xaldin went ahead, announcing he wanted to have a look around, while Xigbar and I stayed behind on a small hill, watching the lively village from afar in silence. My eyes were glued to the moving figures I was able to make out - my mind already gone to simulate possible situations and plan various strategies of how I would eliminate or even spare some of the creatures down there.

"Knock it _off!_" The sound of the coarse voice Xigbar's brought me out of my thoughts immediately.

"What do you mean, Sir?" As the new and inexperienced one I deemed it proper to address someone of such high rank like Number II formally.

'Number II' raised an eyebrow, "Scratch the formalities! Xigbar's jus' fine."

Up until then I never had much to do with the other organization members - except for Xemnas - hence I was kind of glad to hear such an offer from one of my superiors.

"So, gettin' back to topic...," He paused and let a slight smirk reach his lips, "Don't waste yer time thinkin' 'bout how yer killin' that folks and 'bout sparin' - don't ya even _dare_ that!"

Frantically, I recalled Xemnas' words about what element each of the members had control of. If I remembered correctly, Number II held the power of the Room in himself, which he already showed before in a brilliant act when jumping down from the ceiling while lunch break.

But 'Room' didn't have anything to do with mind reading, so how had he known my very thoughts?

My inner perplexity seemed to also show on my face, for Xigbar continued on.

"Why, it ain't no art to guess yer thoughts, dude. Perhaps anyone thinks the same when 'bout to knock someone's lights out. But I assure ya that one: Whatever plan you have stored in that stoic head of yours - yer goin' to do this any way _but_ that."

He was right, that I already knew back then.

"What should I think, then?" It was absurd. This question, my demeanour, my ignorance - pure absurdity. The older man, however, seemed to found it rather stupid, since his smirk got a bitter touch to it.

"Think what ya want... It will always be murder, any way ya do it. The one an' only thing ya never ever dare thinkin' is that yer a _murderer_!"

I stared at him several long moments and he returned the gesture. How could I not think that, I wondered. Any second I was going to go down this hill and slaughter my way through that lively village - I would kill, _murder_. How was I able to deny that fact?

"Xigbar, we _are_ murderer!"

A dark pair of eyes - the right one still there and intact back then - narrowed deeply.

"Sure we are! Did I ever said anythin' else?"

He confused me. Badly.

"You said that we were--"

The sharpshooter cut me off.

"Why, I never said we weren't murderer. Dude, there's one hell of a difference between '_thinking_' an' '_being_'! I jus' said ya shouldn't think that. Ya will goin' to _be_a murderer, anyway!"

This was irreversible. Had I had any emotions left in me back then, I would have branded it as pathetic, sad or even idiotic. Instead, it just increased my confusion.

"What difference does it make if I am being it, but don't think I am?"

Xigbar just clicked his tongue and winked dismissively.

"Jus' 'coz yer think you have to end yer life ya ain't a dead man yet, right?"

My eyes widened and slowly I let the newly found realization sink in. Suddenly, it all seemed to make sense. I must not bother myself with wondering before, while or after I killed. The human mind is so primitive and fragile, so easily confused, so very easily to lead astray. I would have been running a great risk if I told myself I'm a murderer. I remembered an old rule and chose then to follow it, come what may: Don't think, just act. Because, even though I have no heart, my mind is still one of a foolish man who irritates himself with his very own thoughts.

A strong gust of wind brought me back to reality... That was Xaldin's doing. The man with the chops had chased the human creatures out of village and soon practically in both Xigbar and my arms.

_Would I think it or _be_ it?_

"I guess 'Ya ready?' would be the wrong thing to ask, right?"

Flashing me a wide smirk, Xigbar summoned his weapons and made a dash at the panic stricken crowd down the hill.

Yes, it would have been the wrong question, indeed. Since there wouldn't had been a neither right nor wrong answer to that.

_Hanged_

_Strangled_

_Bleeded to death_

_Decapitated_

_Slashed_

_Asphyxiated_

_Smashed_

I was easily able to completely work off the list at this first mission back then, even so there were so many more new missions to follow. The words Xigbar's still echoed even today every time right before a massacre began and every time I _was _the murderer...

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End

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